Sam

Every once in a while i get bored and i come back to this, and its always interesting to read the things i wrote throughout my highschool years, rememebering all of the bull shit that went down with my friends. And it's crazy because i still have the same group of friends when i am back here and we all hang out together, but its just crazy that we are completely different people than we were when we first started out. Its only been a couple short years but i have grown so much and now i will list the ways in which i think i have grown (pretty much for my own usage, seeing as no one reads this probably anymore):

- I don't hate myself. Somedays i am less than happy with how i look or how i act, but it doesn't last for days anymore. i have a large and diverse group of friends both here and at school, people like me so i like me.

- I look towards the future. I've grown up alot in the fact that i look farther into the future than what am i going to do this weekend. I used to be obbsessed with what is going on right now and not worrying about what comes next. But i grew up and now i study for good grades to get that job to get that life i want. Also its weird that when i look at girls now i for some crazy reason think "could i marry you? " im fucken 19 thats crazy talk.

- I now take myself as a priority. I am no longer every one of my friends therapist. Ive realized that the only way that i am able to take care of my own problems is by only dealing with my problems and not everyone elses. I love to help, but i get one life to live and fuck i am going to spend it trying to be happy.

- I've given up my dashboard confessional addiction. I was so i don't want to say depressed, but i was depressed and dashboard confessional exaserbated the problem seventy fold, but i just loved the way it made me feel so shitty and so reminiscent, i dunno it made me feel something. I hated that time but i owe a lot of who i am to it. 

- I've learned not to fall in love before the first date. I used to kill every relationship in highschool by faling in love before we even had a chance to hang out, i guess i was just so excited to see some light at the end of the tunnel that i always forgot to tie my shoes and thus i always tripped. Now i meet a girl, i get excited, but i don't expect anything and this turns out much better. I need to have fun.

- Jessica Lynn Weyhmuller, no longer owns my soul. Yes people i have gotten it back, im not going to sit here and try and tell you i don't have feelings for her anymore, but i can live and love my life even when shes in it and we're not together. We actually can be friends.

 

I like this, it is very therapuetic, i started this out in a somewhat shitty mood, but now i feel alittle bit better and more optomistic. I'll start doing this more often, its summer time im sure there will be plenty of things to vent about.

 

 

The clothes do not make the man, the man makes the clothes.

i just read all my entries, theres only like five but i am one whiny little bitch, why do you people talk to me... honestly.

alrite i stopped every single thing with her and now all i need to do is make sure i stick to it... i know i've done this before but this time i am going to work at making it stick, she is my drug and its time to go to rehab. i figure if i write it down it might help, who knows.

the end of the swim season always depresses me so much, i don;t know what to do with myself. i love my coaches, i love the team and being ablte to spend an hour and a half with them a day and now i can't because its over, and i can't help thinking about next year is my last year, and i don't want to leave this, sure i am dying to go to college but i am going to miss these people so much especially my coach kathleen. i came into this sport with nothing more than a want to swim and a few encouraging words from tiiu over the summer. And Cath believed in me and never let me slack and i've gone from a freshman in lane 8 going a 1:11 in my hundred to a first team all catholic junior going 57. it amazing what positive renforcment does for me, i don;t want to swim necessarily for myself, but i want to swim to make her proud of me, and the amazing thing is even when i suck she is still proud, after she beats me up a little. i don;'t know i just fear change so much and fear that i will loose all the people that are important to me.
but on the flip side to that last statement, i am getitng sick of my life, i am lonlier than anyone can imagine, everyone seems to have someone even the people who shouldn't. and my someone is still being dangled over my head, but yet she is just out of reach and it is constantly heartbreaking.
one friend has become this druggie who i cannot deal with anyone cause she has completely given up on life and all she is worried about is her next fix, is it because she thinks shes cool by doing that? i do not know, but i cannot deal with that.
and i am sick of being hung allover, i am not interested in you, there is nothing there you are getting clingy and i cannot deal with it, and your vapidness is extremely annoying and i swear its gotta be the pot your becoming more and more potheadish at the year goes on, and its just annoying and you get pissed when i point out how stupid you are being, but seriously your making a fool of yourself.
oh and you, you are getting on my last nerve doing everything that i do, yes you are one of my best friends but be yourself stop trying to act cool around me i've known you since kindergarten i know who you are stop pretending i don't need to think your tough you don;t need to constantly tell me this.
i don;t know how you expect me to be your friend when all you seem to do is make fun of me to my face, maybe its your type of humor but its not funny. it hurts and you are pushing away one of your last friends. i mean come on shut the fuck up.
i wish i was back in the school in rose valley, in the old drama room (where the library is now) sitting in a circle around an extremely bitter yet loving counselor drinking a mountain dew and playing cards with us. back when nothing the fuck mattered other than who was idiot and what cards you had to give up, this life is getting to complicated for me and i seriously thinking about just moving out of this place and just starting fresh, painfully forgetting everything here and just moving on, this place seems to be slowly killing me.
I AM SORRY I CANNOT BE THE PERSON YOU WANT ME TO BE, BUT SERIOUSLY IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULD ACCEPT ME




i lay in bed at night, longing to hold you, not just anyone, just you. there is only one person i want and that is you, and there is only one person i cannot have and that is you.

I'm actually pretty pissed right now, i had this great long entry and then it disappeared

But i am going to type most of it again because i want to.
Tonight i went back to Nativity for a reunion, yes i know it has been only two years but still. First i had to go to church and i felt kid of akward, even though i have gone to that church hundreds of times over the years, but yet i was overlly catholic and it made me feel weird. yes i go to catholic school, but i can pretend it is a normal when i am not in theology class.But it was fun going back i walked around the school and saw how many teachers left and it was sad, i miss them and probably will never see them again even though they made a huge impact on my life, the whole school did. i don;t really know how people can say they hated that school,it was such a huge part of my life and i love it, i hate the politics of it but i love everyone and everything in it. I spent most of the time walking around with Freddie, Lindsay and Eva just talking ( i don;t hate freddie, my hatred had been replaced with envy, bitter envy, i want this kids life)Overall it was fun, depressing and weird.
If gone back into my depressed i'm so alone stage. I was doing good, was getting over her and going for someone else, being happy for my friends, but then it all just came back i was not over her, i did like another but got confused, and became envious of anyone with a significant other even an people with a insignficant other, anyone with an other. It just like Thomas has a girlfriend, this kid is one of my best friends but he is the oafish most annoying sexist in the world and he has a girlfriend someone fell for him. I am now official unfallable. i am becoming cloistered FR. SAM IS OFF LIMITS.
I can;t exactly remeber what else i had written in my other one but ( arrgggh i hate pretty people, this pop up came up with pretty people and they just make me feel like i need a shower.... and then some major cosmetic surgery and then maybe i would look good enough to be one of their drunken one night stands, where the walk of shame is involved.)
Speaking of things i hate , i hate racism.. any type of discrimination. It just annoys the shit out of me and don't do it around me. this kid ready here:
ME "this girl i know if pregnant"
KID" whose the father"
Me"some 24 year old black guy from new jersey, she satyed with him over the summer and shes only 15"
KID" thats disgusting"
Me " yea i know shes 15 and hes 24"
KID" no thats not it, he black"
Thats an asshole thing to say, this is the kid that made of the midgit at school, talk shit about chinese people... and then justifies it by saying hes italian its in his nature. i am italian and i have never had an urge to be racist. the italian in me doesnt yell "HATE BLACK PEOPLE.

so i wrote alot... fisrt time i think i liked it maybe i'll dot it again
dying in my lone-ness someone needs to save me

i had a long post, didn't like it heres the outline:
- staying, don;t like it, feel alone
- hate posting never know what to say
- life is boring me
- over girl, like another, dunno if she likes me, wear a sign telling me
- feel like i am falling for everything that shows an interest in me, not good
- end

i'm over it now


so that hottie in theology class

Day one of the snow storm:

I AM GOING CRAZY........................................................... get me out

the granfathers in the hospital, he got an infection in his foot or something, and he has diabetes so its not good, and he supposedly has a shity heart. I'm pretty alrite with this, i just don't want to lose the second one that same way i lost the first one, with my last memory of him being him in a hospital bed unconscious with tubes down his throat... i dunno.

it was all going so good and now its going right back where it was... down

lauren you can tell how i am feeling by the song

it used to be fun hanging out with you, i really thought you were the coolest but now i feel like you never leave me alone, like i never have any space to myself. your my best friend but you need to let me talk to other people without you being around.
went to the girls swim meet tonight, it was pretty fun, messed up some splits. then we went to tom jones to eat like always and here comes the fun part, driving for an hour to take people home. its like everyone in the car decided to live of different sides of the world. i feel really bitter tonight and i don't know why. i guess i'm just in a bad mood, hopefully it will get better with this fun filled weekend of study. I hope is snows so much that all the power goes out and we can;t light a match and i have to spend all day in my bed listening to my radio (battery powered) wishing someone like you was with me.